March 10, 2010
 
OHIO MAN FINISHES
TUBE OF CHAP STICK



AMERICANS THANKFUL GUN WIELDING LUNATIC
WENT TO JARED




RESEARCH ON MICE LINKS
FAST FOOD TO ALZHEIMER'S;
FAT AMERICANS UPSET FAST
FOOD BEING WASTED ON MICE




FLORIDA TEEN MAULED
BY COUGAR



SOARING PRICE OF REINDEER FOOD FORCES SANTA TO MAKE CHANGES



BULIMIA BECOMING AN
EPIDEMIC AMONGST IMAGE
CONSCIOUS HORSES




GM RELEASES FOURTH QUARTER FORECAST




TROPICAL ISLAND OF MARGARITAVILLE INFESTED WITH
DEADLY PARROTS



PIRATES SEIZE CONTROL
OF STATEN ISLAND FERRY




GARY BUSEY MAY BE HIDING IN YOUR SHOWER AS WE SPEAK



MAN MADE OF PLASTIC FINDS
TRUE LOVE WITH WOMAN
MADE OF PLASTIC



TASER ME ELMO EXPECTED TO BE RELEASED IN TIME FOR HOLIDAYS


NEW ORLEANS PRAYING LEVI'S DON'T BREAK



DOC: INJURED HUNTER NOT OUT OF WOODS YET



HOUSING CRISIS AFFECTING EVERYBODY

 
 DEAF INMATE
REQUESTS NEW HEARING




 HUNTERS PRODUCE BODY OF BIGFOOT; SCIENTISTS CONFIRM IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BIGFEET


SUSPECTED MOB ASSOCIATE BOBBY 'THE BUILDER' BONIFACIO INDICTED ON RACKETEERING CHARGES


  
CONNECTICUT POLICE
CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY
CHIMP ATTACKED
THIS WOMAN



WOMAN FILES FOR
DIVORCE AFTER HUBBY
GIVES HER A SNUGGIE AS
VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT



PETA WOULD RATHER KATHY BATES WEAR FUR
THAN GO NAKED AGAIN




ICE-T / GOOGLE BRING
STREET CRED TO NEW
E-MAIL SERVICE




SEXY CALENDAR (OR RECESSION) INCREASES McDONALD'S SALES 8.2%




SIX FLAGS TO DEBUT DOW JONES THEMED COASTER



PARKER BROTHERS MAKES CHANGES
TO KEEP
'MONOPOLY' CURRENT



MAN EATS 45 SLICES OF
PIZZA IN TEN MINUTES
TO SET WORLD RECORD



WORLD'S FATTEST MAN
GETTING MARRIED




RIHANNA MYSTERIOUSLY MORPHS INTO PRINCE



AMISH ONLINE DATING SITE FAILS TO NET A SINGLE SUBSCRIBER



FLORIDA THEME PARK
OVERTAKEN BY CROCS




BILL CLINTON SPEAKS OUT IN FAVOR OF OFF SHORE DRILLING



BLOOMBERG'S WINDMILL PLAN MERELY A GUISE TO KEEP FOUL SMELLING NEW JERSEY AIR OUT OF NYC




REPORT: WATER TO BLAME FOR RISING PRICE OF OIL; CLAIMS THEY "DON'T MIX"



STUDY: PEOPLE WITH PERSONALIZED
LICENSE PLATES ARE MOST LIKELY




SANDWICH SHOP OVERRUN BY UNSATISFIED WOMEN




OLYMPIC INVESTIGATION REVEALS CHINESE GYMNAST ACTUALLY 
13 YEAR OLD ROBOT





 		   PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL
SEES SHADOW, SEXUAL HARASSMENT LAWSUIT IN MAYOR'S FUTURE



CREEPY MALL SANTAS DIRECTLY
RESPONSIBLE FOR CHRISTIANITY'S
DECLINE IN POPULARITY
AMONGST AMERICANS




MAN HAS FIANCE'S KIDNEY...
WITH FAVA BEANS AND
A NICE CHIANTI




EXXON OFFICIALLY HAS MORE
MONEY THAN GOD, PURCHASES
ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL




ED HARDY RELEASES CASKET AS PART
OF WINTER LINE; GUIDOS COMMIT
SUICIDE EN MASSE


TWO BLUE ANGELS GROUNDED FOR
INAPPROPRIATE RELATIONSHIP




FACING BACKLASH FROM GROUPS WHO FEEL STANDARDIZED TESTS ARE SKEWED TOWARD WHITES, NEW YORK WILL REMOVE ALL SKIING QUESTIONS
FROM STATE REGENTS EXAMS





MOTOWN GROUP LATEST
TO GET COURTROOM 
REALITY SHOW



RED SOX EXPLORE PITCHING OPTIONS AFTER SECOND
STRAIGHT A.L.C.S. BLOWOUT




POLICE OFFICER ASSIGNED TO DESK DUTY AFTER CANADIAN GOOSE
STEALS HIS GUN



CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DISCOVERED AMERICA; CRAPPY FURNITURE STORES DISCOVER EXPLOITATION




AMERICAN PUBLIC HAS MESSAGE
FOR CREATOR OF ANNOYING,
HARD TO READ CAPTCHA
SECURITY SYSTEM




3,000 YEAR OLD FIND IN EGYPT PROVES THEORY THAT EARLY MAN WAS NOSELESS


HAMAS MILITANT EXECUTED OVER SECRET LOVE OF SEINFELD



DOG TRAINING GRADUATE REGRETS NOT PAYING
ATTENTION IN CLASS
"I COULD BE GETTING MAD TREATS RIGHT NOW"



EXPERTS PREDICT AMERICANS WILL PAY $5 FOR GAS

POLL: MOST PEOPLE WERE HUNGRY FOR MORE CHINESE OLYMPICS A HALF HOUR AFTER CLOSING CEREMONIIES
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