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STEPHEN STRASBURG PREPARES
FOR MAJOR LEAGUE DEBUT WITH FINAL MINOR LEAGUE START AGAINST PITTSBURGH PIRATES  TIGER WOODS STAYS TRUE TO ASIAN ROOTS BY BEING AN AWFUL DRIVER PAULA ABDUL QUITS AMERICAN IDOL, SIGNS ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH VICODIN  TLC CHANGES NAME OF REALITY SHOW TO 'JON MINUS 50% AND KATE PLUS EIGHT'  FEDS BELIEVE BIN LADEN MAY BE DEAD; CITE HIS LACK OF TWITTER UPDATES SINCE 2007  SHOTS RING OUT AT TOM & GISELE's WEDDING  LAS VEGAS' MIRAGE HOLDING AUDITIONS FOR SIEGFRIED & ROY SUCCESORS  'HITTING THE WALL' IS A FAR GREATER CONCERN FOR GOV. PATERSON THAN MOST RUNNERS  APPARENT PROGRESS MADE IN DAY ONE OF GLOBAL WARMING SUMMIT  WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW CONTESTANT TESTS POSITIVE FOR STEROIDS   |
KNICKS GM DONNIE WALSH DISAPPOINTED IN LEBRON JAMES' DECISION  PETER GAMMONS TO LEAVE ESPN, REMAIN ON TWENTY DOLLAR BILL  KANYE WEST APPEARS ON JAY LENO SHOW TO APOLOGIZE FOR HAIRCUT  IN AN IRONIC TWIST, BILL CLINTON GIVES HAPPY ENDING TO TWO YOUNG KOREAN-AMERICAN GIRLS  'REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ALABAMA' DEBUTS ON CMT NETWORK  KELLY CLARKSON TO PLAY BIG JOHN STUDD IN UPCOMING BIOPIC  YANKEE TRAINERS BEGIN ADMINISTERING CHEMOTHERAPY TO PLAYERS TO COMBAT IMPENDING RETURN OF CANCER TO CLUBHOUSE  FATHER OF SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE CHILD ACTRESS ENLISTS THE HELP OF BILLY MAYS TO SELL DAUGHTER  STATEN ISLAND ZOO OFFICIALS DENY CLAIMS THAT NEARBY LANDFILL HARMING ANIMALS  PITTSBURGH PIRATES ELIMINATED FROM PLAYOFF CONTENTION  CARLOS SANTANA CONTINUES LIFELONG BATTLE WITH RANDOM EJACULATION SYNDROME  CHAVEZ TAKES AWAY VENEZUELAN TEAM'S BATS; "OUR CITIZENS ALREADY SEEM TO HAVE LOST THEIR BALLS"  OCTOMOM REVEALS IDENTITY OF OCTODAD  V.P. GREATLY IMPRESSED BY OBAMA IN WHITE HOUSE LOCKER ROOM   |
CINCO DE MAYO PARTIES MYSTERIOUSLY UNPOPULAR IN ARIZONA  NBC UNDER FIRE FOR 'NEW MOON' PRODUCT PLACEMENT  DETROIT LIONS UNVEIL NEW HELMET AND LOGO  WHERE ARE THEY NOW? WILSON FROM 'CASTAWAY'  IRANIANS PUT ASIDE ELECTION DIFFERENCES TO CELEBRATE 'SUSAN BOYLE DAY' IN TEHRAN  MELISSA JOAN HART'S DIET SECRET REVEALED: TEN YEARS OF UNEMPLOYMENT = LESS CASH FOR FOOD  ALL FINGERS POINT TO MISS PIGGY AS SWINE FLU SPREADS THROUGHOUT SESAME STREET  TAKING CUE FROM THEIR NAMESAKE, PIRATES KIDNAP NEW FANS, ALBERT PUJOLS  RANDY JACKSON LOSES WHATEVER SHRED OF CREDIBILITY HE ONCE HAD  DOZENS OF SUSPECTED SATANISTS OVERHEARD SCREAMING "GIVE ME YOUR HEART! GIVE ME, GIVE ME YOUR HEART!" AT LOCAL WEDDING  RUSSELL SIMMONS DEBUTS 'DEAF COMEDY JAM' FOR HEARING IMPAIRED  DOZENS OF HETEROSEXUAL MEN ACROSS COUNTRY TUNE IN TO FINALE OF 'THE BACHELOR'   |
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